


Christmas Without Wings

by profoundfangirl



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 12DaysofDestiel, M/M, Shipper!Sam, Written for, also, because he's essential to Destiel, on tumblr
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-20
Updated: 2013-12-20
Packaged: 2018-01-05 05:54:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1090386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/profoundfangirl/pseuds/profoundfangirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cas is human, and missing his grace. It's Dean's job to patch his friend back together. He might just learn something new about their relationship in the process.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Christmas Without Wings

**Author's Note:**

> This is set in SPN Verse, but it diverges from canon after season eight. In this story, I used the idea of a human Castiel and Sam going through the trials. Crowley doesn’t really factor in. I’ll leave it to your imagination as to what happened to him. So I guess this story is set in its own little post-Season eight bubble, where things aren’t so bad for the boys. Happiness and fluff for Christmas!
> 
> I dedicate this fic to my friend [Queenie](http://justdestiel.tumblr.com/) – who makes Tumblr a much happier place! I love you darling, and wish you a happy and joyous holiday season!

When the universe decides to throw Dean Winchester a curve ball, it doesn’t hold back. Not only was the last trial a failure, leaving the gates of Hell open, but Sam is hurting from all that he had to go through. He is sick and broken, sleeping nearly all day long, and still trying to convince Dean that he’s fine. No doctors or medicine can heal the trauma that Sam went through, and the real bitch of it is, it all turned out to be for nothing. They weren’t able to close off Hell, so all the time and effort spent on the trials had been a waste.

Of course, that’s not shitty enough for Winchester luck. About two weeks after the failed attempt to convert Crowley, Castiel showed up at their door, battered and barely able to stand. Dean had just been able to ask, “Where the hell have you been?” before Castiel fainted on the threshold. Then Dean had a damaged angel on his hands, on top of caring for a sick brother.

It turns out that calling Cas an angel is a thing of the past. He is as human as Sam and Dean now, but he won’t say what Metatron did to turn him mortal. Dean is able to figure out that he betrayed Cas with the Angel Trials, but beyond that it is a little hazy. When Dean brings it up, Cas gets this glazed look in his eyes, and won’t say a word about it. This reminds Dean of a future version of Castiel he met – one who lost his angel mojo and started popping pills. Dean doesn’t want to see that happen again. 

Between Cas moping around, and Sam sleeping all day, Dean decides that Team Free Will is going on an extended vacation. The rest of the world can be put on hold while Dean fixes his family. If anything, he figures the world owes them this once.

He starts with something simple: Breakfast. Because who can say no to pancakes and bacon? Everybody loves bacon. Dean is grateful once again for their well-stocked kitchen, as he mixes the pale batter and fries strips of bacon, filling the room with a delicious aroma. Dean is proud of himself for how good he is at all of this domestic stuff. He likes to brag about it to Sammy whenever he gets the chance. Cooking for Cas feels as natural as taking care of Sam. Cas is part of their family too, and having him in the bunker feels right somehow. 

Sam is grateful for the breakfast, and it does make Dean feel better to see him eating. Even if the nerd does wash it down with herbal tea, instead of coffee like a normal human being. One step at a time, Dean figures. Getting Cas to wake up and eat breakfast turns out to be a bigger challenge than he thought. Dean goes to his room to wake him, and can just barely make out the head of dark hair sticking up at the top of the blankets. Dean tries to shake him awake, but Cas just grumbles words like “too early” and “go away” as he burrows back under the covers. Dean throws up his hands and leaves the room. He can share the breakfast with Sammy – no sense of it going to waste.

***

Being human is harder on Cas this time around. He may have been thousands of years old before he fell, but that doesn’t mean he has any real experience dealing with human emotions. Or human needs. Dean has to tell him to take a shower, after noticing he smells like feet. He is able to peel the old, worn suit off of him without much hassle. Dean tries not to stare at Cas, but after five years of nothing but suits and that long trench coat, he is a bit curious as to what Cas has been covering up.

Turns out, Cas isn’t in bad shape. His chest is naturally smooth, and his muscles are well defined. Dean finds his gaze wandering lower and lower without his permission. He wants to make a wiseass remark about whether or not angels are junkless, but the joke sticks in his throat. The situation isn’t funny. Standing alone in the bathroom with Cas, with one of them almost naked, the air is charged with something else besides humor. Dean can feel his heartbeat speed up, and he licks his lips to wet them, chewing on his bottom lip. They are standing on the edge of something, and Dean feels like he’s about to tip over into the abyss. Then he sees Cas fidgeting under his stare, and it hits him. He is not ready for this. Dean mumbles something indecipherable under his breath, and flees the bathroom.

Getting back into the dirty suit after taking a shower would be counterproductive, so Dean finds Cas a pair of his jeans and t-shirt to change into. He gives them to Sam to bring to Cas, since it’s too soon to look at the guy again. When Sam reminds him that Cas will need a wardrobe of his own, Dean hands over the keys to the Impala and one of their bogus credit cards. He pats Sammy firmly on the shoulder and tells them to have a fun Girls Day Out.

Sam gives him one of his best bitchfaces at that comment. He can tell Dean is avoiding Cas, but says nothing. He returns with Cas, hours later, arms loaded with shopping bags of clothes. He still doesn’t say anything to Dean when they get home, but just starts showing Cas how the washing machine works.

Dean is sure Sam forgot the pie on purpose this time.

***

Dean’s next step at fixing Team Free Will is to try to repair his friendship with Cas. Yeah, Dean had a moment in that bathroom, but he’s pushed it aside. Dean is good at covering up his feelings, and he buries this one deep. It was a fluke. A mistake. Dean was just curious. He’s human after all. It doesn’t mean anything. He and Cas just need to get back to how they used to be. To just be two normal dudes. So, being who he is, Dean takes his friend to a bar.

Most of the awkwardness has passed from the other day and neither of them brings it up. Tonight it feels like they are just two buddies out for a beer, even if Cas doesn’t seem that enthusiastic about it. Dean figures he’s still depressed about being downgraded to human status. If there’s one thing Dean Winchester knows, it’s how to cure depression, or at least make yourself forget about it for awhile. It’s a two-part process, that involves getting drunk and getting laid. Now that Cas isn’t an angel, Dean thinks he might be able to succeed on both parts. His liver is human now, so alcohol affects him like any other person. And, since he changed out of the suit and into jeans and a t-shirt, the dude can almost past for normal. With his sharp blue eyes, and dark hair, he can even qualify as attractive. He shouldn’t have a problem finding a chick to hook up with.

That’s the plan, anyway.

Dean and Cas aren’t even halfway through their first beers when they are approached by a woman. She’s brunette and tall, wearing a short black dress that hugs all her curves and displays lots of cleavage. Just the kind of woman Dean usually hits on. However, she makes a beeline for Cas, rubbing her tits up against his arm as she talks to him, her tongue practically licking his ear. Cas keeps throwing glances at her, almost as if to see if she’s still there, then looking across the room when he finds her still standing beside him. Dean would think it was hilarious, if he weren’t feeling something else at the moment. He doesn’t usually take stock of his emotions, but this one feels like disgust. Normally, he’d find the woman sexy, but right now he just finds her annoying and wants her gone.

“Hey lady,” Dean says, because he didn’t happen to catch her name when she came over, “My friend and I were trying to have a private conversation.”

The woman finally looks over at Dean, as if noticing him for the first time since she came over. That’s unusual in itself, because Dean is good looking, and he knows it. He gets hit on by women all the time. And this one just walked right by him. Maybe that’s why she ruffled his feathers. Maybe with Cas getting all of the attention he was feeling jealous. What else could it be?

“Look sugar, I just wanna dance with your friend here, and then I’ll give him right back.”

She smiles, and it’s almost predatory. Dean has seen women like her before. If she gets her claws into Cas, Dean won’t see him again for the rest of the night. Dean wanted to get him laid, sure, but he thinks they can do better for Cas’ first time.

“Well, I don’t think you’re his type,” Dean responds flatly.

The woman laughs at Dean, and turns to share the joke with Cas, but he isn’t laughing. He is looking at the woman in almost a sympathetic way, imploring her to agree with Dean. She looks from Cas to Dean, and back again.

“I had no idea y’all were queer!” she huffs, before turning on her heel and walking away.

Dean is taken aback for a few moments, before the hilarity of the situation hits him. If she wants to think Dean and Cas are a couple, that’s fine by him. What better way to keep her off their back?

“Looks like it’s just you and me then, huh Cas?” Dean asks with a wink, as he clinks their beer bottles together.

Cas looks confused for about one second, before the tension melts from his face and shoulders. He gives Dean the first smile since coming to the bunker, and one of the few Dean has seen on his face, ever.

“I would like that, Dean,” Cas says.

Dean returns the smile, and gets up to order them another round.

That night, Dean teaches Cas how to shoot pool and darts. He tries to teach him quarters, but ends up getting schooled when it turns out that Cas is better than him, and Dean has to tap out before he gets too drunk to drive them back. Cas, who is much drunker than he will admit, tries to teach Dean a drinking song, but it’s in Enochian so it doesn’t really work out too well. Dean almost falls out of his chair laughing as Cas tries to remember the translation. It’s the most fun Dean can remember having in a very long time.

Cas ends up falling asleep in the Impala on the way home. His head bobs up and down, before falling over onto Dean’s shoulder. Dean tries to shrug him off so he can drive, but ends up with a head of dark hair in his lap instead.

Dean doesn’t mind it as much as thought he would.

***

After the night at the bar, Cas is in a much better mood. Dean counts it as a win, and things pretty much go back to normal. Most days are spent organizing the bunker, cross-referencing the huge library, which Sam and Cas both geek out about pretty hard. The three of them still don’t go out on long-distance hunts. Very rarely they will help a fellow hunter with a case, if it’s no more than a day away. They also help Garth dispatch calls. And Dean is relieved when Kevin moves into the bunker permanently to continue translating the Angel Tablet.

At least, Dean was happy to have Kevin back with them until the day he tried to get Cas’ help with the tablet. That seemed to trigger a bad memory that caused to Cas spend the next three days moping around the bunker, barely getting out of bed. Dean carefully hides any alcohol and pills they have laying around.

Beyond that, Dean isn’t sure how to handle the situation. If it was Sammy moping around, Dean would either give him a beer, or tell him to stop acting like a bitch, depending on the situation. Somehow, Dean has a feeling that won’t work in Cas’ case. In desperation, Dean finally asks Sam for his help.

“Cas won’t get out of bed again. Why don’t you go talk to him Sam?”

Sam raises an eyebrow and looks at Dean like he has two heads. “I have a better idea, Dean. Why don’t you go talk to him? He’s your boyfriend after all.”

“Cas is not my boyfriend!” Dean retorts, a little too aggressively.

That earns him another bitchface from his brother. Dean returns the look without comment. After a moment, Sam’s face seems to relax, but Dean can tell he’s just getting ready to unleash a torrent of emotions on his brother. 

“Dean, remember when we first found out about the trials? You wanted to be the one to kill the Hellhound, and complete the trials, because you thought it was a suicide mission. You wanted to throw yourself on the grenade for me – again – because you didn’t see another way out.”

Dean doesn’t have a response for Sam, and he doesn’t need one. Sam keeps right on talking.

“You didn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. I told you if you followed me, I would show you a way out. A reason worth living.”

Dean nods dumbly at that. His brain buzzes with the memory of it. He remembers the conversation all too well. He had watched the power of that first spell shoot through Sam’s arms, and Dean had ached with the need to take it from him. He is the big brother. It is his job to keep Sammy safe, above all else.

“Dean, I’m here to tell you that Cas is your reason. Or he’s one of them. He has been since Purgatory. Hell, maybe even earlier than that. You’ve just been too dense or too scared to admit it.”

Dean finally looks at his brother, and is surprised to see Sammy almost shaking with emotion. It’s been awhile since he’s seen his brother so worked up over anything. Dean doesn’t know if Sam expects him to respond, but he doesn’t know what he would say anyway. His brother has it all wrong. Cas is just his friend.

Isn’t he?

Suddenly Dean isn’t so sure anymore. There is all this grey area where it only used to be black and white. Sure, Cas has been there for him, and Sammy, when it really mattered. Gotten them out of so many tight spots. Cas is family. Dean knows he feels better having him in the bunker, where he can look out for the guy. But that’s where it stops.

Or does it?

Dean’s head pounds as he remembers the bathroom, and the feeling of wanting to see Cas naked. And that night in the bar, when he practically chased that woman away to have Cas all to himself. And those are only the most recent memories. There are hundreds of other moments over the years – long stares, stolen looks, and words unspoken.

Dean doesn’t know if Sam is right or not. In that moment, Dean doesn’t want to know. All he wants is for things to go back to normal, but he doesn’t see that happening. So, Dean does what he does best.

He runs.

***

Dean gets into the Impala and drives. No real destination in mind. With the smooth leather seats holding him up, and Zeppelin blaring through the speakers, Dean can almost pretend that what Sam said didn’t affect him.

But of course it did. How could it not?

Dean drives fast and tries to get Sam’s voice out of his head. More concerning, he tries to silence the voice in his own head that says if Sam was wrong it wouldn’t be this much of a struggle to let it go.

The Impala’s tank is about empty, so Dean stops for fuel. There is a strip mall nearby, and Dean decides to turn his little outing into a supply run. At least that way it won’t seem like he’s such a bitch for running away to pout. And it might help take his mind off things.

While Dean is shopping, he gets the sense there’s something important he is missing. The window at Biggerson’s is advertising a Turkey Dinner Special for $8.99 and there are twinkling lights in most of the store windows. Then he sees an enormous evergreen tree, with a fluffy white angel on top.

That’s when it hits him – it’s almost Christmas.

The last time he had tried to have a Christmas celebration, Dean thought it was going to be his last one ever. Dean and Sam hadn’t had a home then, so they hadn’t been able to do it right. There had been gifts wrapped in newspaper, and eggnog with lots of spice, huddled together in front of that small motel tv. But it wasn’t like the Christmas Dean had imagined it would be. Not like the ones they had never had as kids, that he knew they deserved.

Well, this year is different. They have the bunker now, and things are as stable as they are going to get for a Winchester. This year Dean decides they are going to have a real Christmas. It can help take everyone’s mind off of what is going on. 

Dean returns to the bunker, full of energy, excited to tell Sam his brilliant idea. Maybe if he can distract his brother, he’ll forget what they were even talking about before Dean left.

“Sammy, it’s almost Christmas!”

Sam looks at him like he’s trying to imagine why he got all the brains in the family.

“Uh, yeah Dean,” he says slowly, “Didn’t you know that already?”

“In case you hadn’t noticed, we have been busy lately,” Dean grumbles. He leaves out the “Taking care of your busted ass” comment because he knows it wasn’t Sam’s choice and he would only feel worse about it.

Sam only snorts in response.

“Well, this year is different,” Dean continues, as if Sam hadn’t popped his yuletide bubble. “This year we have a home. This year we can do it right.”

Sam doesn’t start jumping for joy, but he does smile, so Dean counts it as a victory. He gives his brother his best _‘My-Name-Is-Dean-Winchester-and-I’m-Awesome’_ smiles, and goes out to the Impala to bring in all the decorations he bought that afternoon.

***

Sam knows his big brother better than anyone and doesn’t push the issue with Cas. He just lets Dean carry out his current mission: Operation Winchester Christmas.

Everyone in the bunker seems to get into the holiday spirit. Dean is completely onboard since it was his idea, and it keeps him from facing his issues with Cas. Sam might send Dean a look or two when Cas is in the room, but he says nothing. He helps Dean string lights and finds Christmas music to play on the hi-fi. Even Kevin stops his translating duties long enough to cut out sugar cookies with Dean. He says he used to do it with his mom every Christmas, but he doesn’t let himself wallow in the memories of losing her.

The only person who seems content to wallow is Cas. Something about the holiday must have reminded him of Heaven, because his depression seems to have gotten worse. He leaves his room only once a day to eat, and that’s it. Dean knows how it feels, to lose what you love the most, but he also knows the way Cas is acting won’t help him feel better. Dean makes up his mind to intervene, no matter the consequences. He doesn’t have a specific plan in mind, other than showing Cas a change of scenery. He practically drags Cas to the front door and hands him a heavy winter coat.

“Get dressed,” Dean says, without further explanation. Cas doesn’t argue, and they both bundle up in boots and scarves, and venture out into the cold Kansas night.

The evening air is sharp and biting without the sun to warm it. Tiny snowflakes drift gently to the ground, swirling through the air currents. There is already a thick blanket of white snow, unblemished and untouched by anyone. The full moon makes the snow sparkle, like a child’s art project covered in glitter. Dean leads Cas over to a clear patch of snow near the bunker.

“All these years watching Earth, and I bet you’ve never made even a snowball, huh Cas?”

“Dean, please,” Cas whines, “I don’t see how this is going to help me feel any better. It’s cold and I want to go back inside.”

“Just humor me, okay?”

Cas doesn’t respond, but gives Dean a small nod. Dean bends down and scoops some of the powdery snow into his gloved hands.

“Now, you want to just keep patting it, until it forms a ball, okay?” Dean instructs, like talking to a small child.

“Like this?” Cas asks.

When Dean looks up, Cas launches a perfect snowball at him. Dean sputters around the snow quickly melting off his face. Apparently, he had underestimated Cas. That won’t happen again.

“Oh, it’s on!” Dean shouts, launching himself at Cas. He tackles the slimmer man to the ground, rolling them both through the snow. They wrestle around like children, smiling and laughing the whole time, until finally they lay side by side, panting in the cold air.

Dean looks over to Cas. His cheeks are flushed pink and he seems happy. In just a few moments though, the smile slips off Cas’ face, and he frowns instead.

“I lost my wings, Dean. My grace. How am I supposed to continue on like this?”

“Cas, look at me.”

The other man complies, and Dean can tell his head is still swirling with negative thoughts. Dean has known Cas long enough to see that a full-blown sulk is coming, unless he can do something about it. A flicker of an idea runs into Dean’s mind, and he latches onto it, like a drowning man onto a life raft.

“Put out your arms like this,” Dean says, stretching out his arms at his side. Cas hesitates, but complies.

“Now, do what I do,” Dean says. He slowly drags his arms through the snow above his head, and back down to his sides. Once he sees Cas is following along, he starts kicking his legs in and out too. Cas does the same, even if it lacks enthusiasm.

“Dean,” Cas huffs, “I really don’t see the point of this.”

“Just trust me Cas.”

Cas doesn’t complain again after that. Dean continues for a few more moments, leading Cas in their slow-motion, horizontal jumping jacks. Eventually, Dean stills his movements, and carefully climbs to his feet, so as not to disturb his work. He walks over to Cas, and helps the other man up, so he can see what they’ve done.

Dean waves at their masterpieces.

“See? Snow angels, Cas. Now we both have wings.”

Dean feels Cas tense up beside him, and for a moment he thinks he made a horrible mistake. This is confirmed when he looks over to see Cas crying. He’d made a former angel cry. That’s messed up even for a Winchester, Dean thinks to himself. He opens his mouth to apologize, but is stopped short when Cas speaks.

“Why do you keep doing nice things for me Dean?”

“I don’t know,” Dean responds in a quiet whisper. Those three easier words fly out of his mouth – so much easier than the other three words he can’t bring himself to say.

Without knowing how it happened, Dean finds himself holding Cas’ hand. Even through the layers of thick wool, it feels intimate. Dean squeezes Cas’ hand, and feels the other man tremble slightly before he squeezes back.

“Being human isn’t all that bad, Cas. You’ll see. There’s still lots I have to show you.”

“Do you think maybe we could do that inside?” Cas asks, “I’m not sure I can feel my toes anymore.”

Dean chuckles softly. “Sure thing Cas.”

They go back inside to warm up, without saying another word.

 

***

The rest of the weekend is spent showing Cas all the traditions of being human at Christmas. Sam and Dean teach him how to make popcorn and cranberry garlands for the tree. They make Cas try warm apple cider, cocoa, and hot buttered rum drinks throughout the day. He declares the hot chocolate is his favorite, especially when Dean adds whipped cream to it.

Dean comes dangerously close to having cider come out his nose when Cas tells them the real version of the first Christmas. It seemed that there had been a mix-up, and the Wise Men had gone to the wrong manger at first. In retrospect, it could have been much worse given that someone had thought it was a good idea to put Gabriel in charge as Herald.

After that, Sam insisted they watch a marathon of Christmas movies together. While Dean held firm on his favorite being _A Christmas Story_ , Cas liked _A Christmas Carol_ the best, but only the Muppet version oddly enough. Kevin declared they were all uncultured, and that the only good Christmas movie was _Elf_. Everyone laughed and threw popcorn at him.

Late on Christmas Eve, they all sat up watching the twinkling lights on the tree. It was idyllic, and the only thing missing was a roaring fire. Dean figured the absence of any demonic activity in the area more than made up for that fact. Just before midnight, Sam had declared he was tired and had gone to bed. Kevin followed soon after, leaving Dean and Cas alone.

Dean watched the soft lights dance across Castiel’s face, and felt his chest tighten. Maybe, like the Grinch, his heart was growing. Dean remembered the past few days spent with Cas, and wanted nothing more than to reach out and hold his hand. He swallowed past the dryness in his throat, and made up his mind to act. Dean moved to sit close by Cas. He stretched his arm over the back of the couch and waited, without saying a word, for Cas to respond. Several heartbeats later, Dean felt the warm press of Cas’ body against his own. Dean closed his arm around him in a firm embrace, and intertwined their hands together.

They didn’t speak because they didn’t need to. A lifetime of words, spoken through the years of stolen moments and intense stares, had already said more than they could at this moment. This angel turned man – this supernatural, ethereal being – had come back no matter how many times Dean had pushed him away. Anything Dean might say would be lacking in weight, or might spoil the moment. Sometimes the best way to communicate is without words.

That night quickly became one of Dean’s favorite Christmases, even though Dean and Cas most definitely did not cuddle together under a blanket in front of a twinkling Christmas tree. Dean was a manly man after all, and adverse to such things. Besides, no one on the planet could prove otherwise. And if Dean stuck a bough of mistletoe onto the doorway of his bedroom, no one would know anything about that either.

Not even Cas the next morning.

* The End *

**Author's Note:**

> [Cross-posted on Tumblr!](http://12daysofdestiel.tumblr.com/post/70213983517/author-deanandishareamoreprofoundbond-a-n-this)


End file.
